No fair. Do you remember saying that? I am afraid it is coming to my house soon.
My son is the oldest. He is experiencing everything first. Independence. It is stressing me out to no end, but I do realize he is growing up and it is time for a little freedom whether I like it or not.
I have loosened the reigns a little in the last year. He IS going into 8th grade next year. I have to remind myself of that every now and then. I have let him leave our cul-de-sac on his bike (with others). I have let him hang out with his friends at our town events (we live in a small town). I have let him go with his friends in the mall (when I am there shopping). Yesterday, at the park (we were there all day for a family picnic), I let him wander with his 16-year-old cousin. Okay, so this made me a little crazy. The park is huge. I made him check in now and then and made sure he had his phone on him. But, I kept reminding myself it is time…and he has proven himself responsibly. Not to mention my son looks a lot older than he really is.
Of course this got me thinking. My daughter is only 20 months younger than him. What will I do next year if she starts asking for this new found freedom my son has? It may sound sexist or just plain wrong, but I do not think I will let her do the things my son is doing. Wander the park? No way! My husbands says, forget it! I just think of all those stories about girls being abducted in parks never to be found again. Sure, boys are abducted too. This is where my problem lays.
Is it a double standard? Will I suddenly feel ‘okay’ with my daughter doing these things when the time comes? Is it really only because she is a girl? How wrong is that! Or I wonder if my son had a different type of personality…if I would even allow him to do these things now. In think it has a lot to do with the individual personality and responsibility of each kid, but where does fair come in?
Do you think it is wrong to worry differently about boys and girls and freedom? Is this so sexist to think this way?
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{ 20 comments }
I admire you for intentionally posing this question. Finding the balance to prepare our kids for the world and not hyper-parenting them is challenging. Unfortunately, I think today’s world isn’t really more dangerous than it has been in the past – it seems that we are just more informed of the dangers and crimes through the advancement in technology. These words of Kim John Payne from his book, Simplicity Parenting, are helpful: “We need to live with confidence, to parent with a sense of strength and openness, and perhaps most of all, a sense of humor. The primal urge to protect is our cortisol spigot; I’m suggesting we not invite it to be turned so easily and so often.” It makes sense that we apply this to both our boys and our girls.
Disclaimer: My son is only 9 and my daughter is only 3, I reserve the right to change my mind as they grow older and more mature.
I don’t think we’ll set rules or allow freedoms for one that wouldn’t hold for the other. I worry as much about my son being abducted or abused as I do about my girl, mainly because I keep hearing stories from men close to me about how they were hurt or almost hurt as boys because they had more freedom and because they were less willing to tell (in fear that they’d be labeled or made fun of).
So my plan is to equip both my children to be safe in the world (watch those around you, don’t talk to strangers, it’s okay to so no when someone tries to persuade you to do something that doesn’t feel right, etc), to give them the tools they need to ask for help (a cell phone, a loud mouth, knowledge of self defense), and the confidence to use their skills (not protecting them, giving them trust and independence a little bit at a time).
That’s all I can do unless I want to look them up until they’re 18… but then I’d be more worried about them because they wouldn’t have the strategies to take care of themselves.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..All she wants to do is dance =-.
I totally see what you are saying. It is funny cause I always felt the same way (love the disclaimer), but now being in the thick of it I can’t help but question it all!
It’s a different ball game from the very start with boys I think. I often joke that girl’s are more precious so that’s why there’s no way we’ll let them do the things we’ll allow boys to do!
I’ve recently started letting Julia walk by herself 15 feet out to our mailbox. I figure we’ll start really small and maybe in 15 years I’ll be able to let her walk the dog on her own!
.-= Joey @ Big Teeth & Clouds´s last blog ..Welcome Summer! =-.
Having 2 of the same, I won’t get to experience this personally. But I don’t think it’s sexist or wrong for a parents to worry more about a daughter than a son. Even if for no other reason than emotional well-being. Girls are catty.
This is interesting because I had to practice it this weekend. I don’t have boys but my husband has flat out told my daughters that as they became teenagers, not when they were small, when it comes to some freedoms it would be different if they were boys. This mainly applies to going out alone. We give more leeway if they are in a group. He feels girls are more vulnerable and when I really think about it I guess I agree. I don’t know if it’s sexist or just a natural human reaction. Even though my oldest daughter proved she was more than capable of taking care of herself in any situation. If we couldn’t prevent her from taking off the best we could do was get her kickboxing lessons so when she hit the streets at least we knew she had some skills.
I guess you just have to see it on a case by case basis. We have let our youngest do some things earlier than her sisters because she seems to have more caution. With my two younger girls I have been adamant about them reporting their every move. Friday night I only checked on my 16 year old once and at nine thirty my husband was asking where she was and shouldn’t she be home soon. I had to remind him that she will be 17 in two months and it’s really time for us to loosen that grip a little.
.-= Motpg´s last blog ..Click A1 To Choose Awesome. =-.
I really do think a case by case basis is the best. I also think we need to let them know that this is the case right off the bat. I have prepped my daughter for a while that she needs to earn the responsibility first the way her brother has when talking about all different kinds of things like cell phones, etc.
I think there is a difference. At least with ours there is. I would not mind if my 12 year old step-son wandered around the neighborhood with a group of friends on his bike or just walking to a friends house, but I don’t think I’d be comfortable with my daughter even at that age. Maybe – I have a couple more years to go, but I still don’t feel comfortable with her staying the night at friend’s houses for parties if I don’t know them and she’s 10. She’s definitely not walking or riding her bike out of our yard (though I do let her play outside alone in our big yard outside the privacy fence). I’m totally afraid someone is going to snatch her – even though it does happen to both boys and girls, boys are stronger and statistically it happens more often with girls.
I think there are a lot of double standards out there for boys and girls growing up – what age they can date, when they can stay home alone, when they can do stuff on their own (shopping, riding a bike, playing at the park, etc.). I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it – I hold the same double standards and like Motpg, we’ve told our girl’s that it’s different for their older brother. Hopefully they’ll forget what he got to do at 12 by the time they get there
.-= Momma Drama´s last blog ..Memorial Day Weekend =-.
I am somewhat of a feminist and I still believe that girls need to be protected and watched more carefully than boys. It’s a doggy dog world out there, and the sad reality is that girls are more susceptible to danger than boys. So, I do not think it’s sexist. But I do think we need to teach our BOYS to treat the girls better! And it starts with fathers treating mothers like the queens we are, and mothers demanding the utmost respect from their husbands and their children.
Agreed that women should be respected and cherished by their husbands, and that boys should treat girls with respect. I presume that you also feel that women and girls owe men and boys something as well?
I don’t have a boy so I can’t say. I am having anxiety just thinking about what to do with my girlsnwhen they grow up. I don’t think you can be too careful and you need to look at the personality as well.
It am tough one for sure. Go wih your gut instinct, it is never wrong.
This is a great question but I do think you’re right. I think it has more to do with individual personality and the specific circumstances in question. Girls may be more vulnerable in specific situations (sad but true) whereas boys may seem like they are more able to handle themselves physically. I don’t know exactly how I will handle these situations when I get there (my son is 5 and my daughter is 2) but I know I will be there someday. My husband thinks there will definitely be some so called “sexist” standards especially when it comes to staying out late…I’m not so sure yet but I can see where he is coming from. It may not be fair but we just have to listen to our Mom intuition
.-= Melissa´s last blog ..You Did What?!: Part Two =-.
hey, saw your email (sorry – just signed out of gmail). my last reader update was 3 days ago.
Great question! I have two boys (16 and 9) AND two girls (5 and 3). Husband and I only recently started allowing our 9yr old son to ride his bike, go to the park, etc. I already know there is no way I would allow my girls to do that at the age of 9. I may be the biggest hypocrite you meet, but that is just how I feel. I know little boys get abducted daily, but I think those sickos go after girls more than the boys, I don’t know, I should look up the statistics. My boys are also more “street smart” which plays out a lot in what I will allow them to do.
.-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Just another good "throw up" story =-.
Love your new place!
Same butt kickin’ posts, though.
I’m going to tell you straight out that biologically, it makes sense to worry differently with boys vs girls.
For so many reasons.
A friend of ours pushed his daughters to run track so they’d be able bodied enough to take off like a rabbit if they ever had to.
And just some of my experiences in college taught me to be able to run and dress to be able to run.
It’s a different world when you’re not a biological equal to males.
I’m sure I’ll get a hatchet comment back, but I can back my stance up with close calls in college. I am 5 ft 5 and weigh 110 lbs. I was even smaller in high school, but I was fast.
A VERY hard question. Two months ago was my BIG let go. I let my 16 (almost 17) year old go in a car that was being driven BY ANOTHER TEENAGER. She is an A student, good kid… but SHE JUST STARTED DRIVING FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE…!! It was just to her house – only 5 minutes away… but that was hard hard hard. Would I let my daughter do that? Actually, I think girls are more mature than boys (I have two teen boys and a girl) so I might not have that wait you are talking about – it just depends on her, her maturity etc. But talk about dating and I just might have to put my foot down LOL!
.-= Katherine´s last blog ..One Down, Two To Go =-.
Wow! Double standards abound. At my house, growing up, it was my older sisters complaining that I got to do more things than they ever did. Dating was the biggie. I was allowed to go to the school dances my freshman year while they had to wait to date until they were 16. For us three girls, our younger brothers had more freedom in high school than we did. It’s probably a good thing that our parents don’t know the half of what they were up to or my brothers would still be in military school.
I think it all comes down to how responsible your teen is. My older sisters were responsible – they were 3 & 4 years older than me. My parents didn’t show it if they had any qualms about my older sister & I attending our city fireworks festival, just the two of us. It’s a big deal, thousands of people. Generally, the rule of thumb was “safety in numbers.” At 14 going on 15, as a freshman, if I was with friends, I could go to the mall or something like that, to the movies – My 12 year old daughter was shopping with her dad one evening, it was about 8pm, and 3 of her friends called hello to her from the store diner. I think she felt a little embarrassed to be seen with a parent. I said Well some day when you’re older you can do that (hang out, etc.). She said, MOO-OM, they’re the SAME AGE I am. I said yeah, but YOU’re MY daughter. She’s responsible – but 3 twelve year olds on a Friday night hanging out at the Target diner is not my idea of anything . . well . . . it is a potential recipe for disaster. I know how silly 12 year olds can get!
If your younger one brings it up, this “unfairness,” you could always tell her she’ll be earning those freedoms starting now, and by the time she is her brother’s age in numbers, you’ll reconsider letting her do some things “solo.” Good luck! Let us know how it goes – I’ll need to take notes!
.-= kathy´s last blog ..Flashback: 2009 Summer Reading List =-.
I completely understand, I have an 8 year old boy and a 5 year old girl and I am waaaay more worried about her than I have been with him. I think it’s natural and Mom’s shouldn’t feel too badly about it, the statistics show that although many boys DO get hurt, there are more abductions and assaults in girls than boys. I think it’s a reflection of how society historically has treated boys as though they are stronger and more capable of handling themselves than girls, so in turn predators have typically preyed on little girls more.
Either way I think it’s important to keep a close eye on BOTH sexes of children, but I completely understand your commentary and think that you are dealing with some similar feelings as many a mom out there!
Thanks for posting,
Lola
Peanut Butter Smudges (nicolescorner.wordpress.com)
Such a fantastic post, D, and one that I am having a hard time thinking about. I have two daughters – 6 and 3 – so I have some time before I will have to let them venture out a little on their own. But … I do think of it already. I don’t know if what you are feeling (the difference from son to daughter to be out on their own) is sexist or not – that is such a hard question. But I do know that these are YOUR kids … and only YOU can know what is best for them. You have to trust your own feelings. I always say that my parents were much harder on my older brothers than they were on me – simply because by the time I was in high school, I think my parents were exhausted! But, you know what? THEY taught me what was right and what was wrong, and I knew it. You, I’m certain, are raising your kids to make the best decisions in life. And at some point, we all will have to let them FLY. Great post today!!!!
.-= Leanne´s last blog ..Memorial Day =-.
I love that you’ve raised this question. I only have boys, but am so protective. I let my oldest go to a different slide at the waterpark the other day than the little ones were playing on and I was flustered! I never let him out of my sight and he’s eleven. But, I looked around and remembered that I was 15 when I was actually driving to a waterpark and working as a lifeguard. (And I’m a girl!) He’s almost 12 and I’m afraid to let him walk around alone. How much is going to have to change over the next 3 years to make me feel comfortable enough to give him a fraction of the independence that I had?
I think I’d be more paranoid with girls. But, I’m pretty paranoid as it is!
.-= Lula Lola´s last blog ..Silly Bandz aka $6 bags of Rubber Bands that the Insane Parent Can Be Coerced Into Buying =-.