I have three kids. One…the very outgoing, social, life-of-the-party type. Two…shy, low-key, doesn’t like to be the center of attention type. Three..outgoing, social, life-of-the-party, put on shows for everyone, loves to be on stage and just loves attention type. How do I have such ‘other end of the spectrum‘ kids?
I have always gone on the basis that traits are genetic and personalities are something we are born with. Neither my husband nor I are ‘life of the party’ types. We tend to sit back and watch before we jump. How did we end up with two kids who are the first to jump?
Now having ventured through the lives of my kids, one almost 13, one 11, and one 5, I am wondering if there is more to it than genes. How much do our schedules, our lives, and our actions have to do with our kid’s personalities?
My son, being the first, had the chance to meet a lot of playmates as a child. I was very involved in the school and in socializing having more time and a schedule that allowed for that. I was seeking out people to relate with, looking for those playmates and play dates. He, now at 12, is the outgoing, social, friends-with-everyone type.
My daughter, my second and my quiet timid one, didn’t have as many social opportunities. When she was born I started to work more and tended to spend most of our free time with the friends we had already known. There wasn’t as much ‘meeting new people’ going on during her younger years as there was for my son. She got pretty comfortable being with the people she knew and to this day is still very comfortable with them.
My little one, now 5, came along at a time when life was even crazier. I for one, am more busy now than ever with much less free time than I ever had with my other two. Now enter the whole world of the blogging and social networking on top of it all. Life in her ‘younger’ years is very different than the other two, even though they really are not that far apart from each other. I am too busy these days to be at school functions or meet new people, but the difference here is that she has the two older siblings that tend, I think at least, to make her very social. She is that younger sibling of two tweens. You know, the one that hears a lot of what she probably shouldn’t and learns a lot faster than the other kids in her class.
Do you think our lives and schedules have an impact on our kid’s personalities for life? Do you think for instance that had my daughter been born at a time when I was seeking out social acquaintances that she would have evolved into a more social person? Or are personalities part of who we are from the moment we were conceived?
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Age old question of nature v. nurture. I think it’s both. FYI, don’t beat yourself up over each child turning out differently. Ultimately, it’s all for the best.
.-= CherylT´s last blog ..What you did this weekend and other stuff that makes my skin crawl =-.
It’s such an interesting thought! I agree with Cheryl that it’s a little of both. My daughters are 6 and 3, and my life has changed from one child to the next. But just when I think I can rationalize their behavior from how I’ve raised them, they go and do the COMPLETE opposite. Which then makes me realize they have their own minds and ultimately react in their very own way!
.-= Leanne´s last blog ..Oh, the Places She’ll Go! =-.
Both, definitely a mixture of BOTH, in my view/experience.
I think it’s a lot to with their inherant personalities, what they are born with, their natural way of approaching the world. But then comine that with other factors – what’s going on in their family, who are their brothers and sisters (do they ahve any??) what kind of life does theur family lead… how socialised are they… blah blah blah. It all seems to mix up in the pot and create shades of personality.
My eldest son is what i would call a friendly introvert. He needs his own space at the end of a busy day or he will melt down. NEEDS it, like air. BUT he is also the class clown. His dad is a raging extrovert who has always clowned with him. I’m sure that has tempered his otherwise introverted ways. He has learnt stuff from dad…
My daughter is a natural raging extrovert like her daddy. She wants 24-7 entertainment. As a toddler she wasn’t happy to entertain herself like my eldest had been… she wanted Mummy to be the fun committee. Oops, sorry darlin, we don’t do it like that. She learnt to occupy herself. She still prefers the company of others, but at least now can invent her own entertainment if she has to…
Then the third one; the natural extrovert, the last in line, the guy who everyone adores, the youngest by a fair distance – just a natural ray of sunshine.
I think our environment mixes with our natural preferences and either strengthens it (making us more extreme) or dilutes it down (making us less extreme).
There’s neither right nor wrong. And we’ll keep changing and mixing it up all through our lives… and so will our kids
That’s my two cents.
.-= Simone´s last blog ..Loving, NOT Loving: At My House… =-.
I’m sure it’s a combination of factors, but I have two pretty opposite personalities (I mean, my kids do – I just have one myself
– and it was clear before they were five or six months old what their tendencies were – one very cautious and observant and quiet; the other a rambunctious, jump right in type. I really do think they’re born with a certain amount of their personality ready to go!
.-= parenting ad absurdum´s last blog ..Ouch, my uterus =-.
I firmly believe that nature has the biggest effect on us. Being adopted, and raised in a family that is SO different than me, personality-wise, I think the vast majority of who we are comes with us out the birth canal!
Now that my children are in their teens, I can see how much is personality. My obgyn told me this when they were born, and I never gave it much credence. But, now, seeing how they are…they were so much like this as babies. The oldest never slept as a baby, he is the same now. The middle was a quiet baby, and he’s a quiet teenager. And the little guy, from the beginning ws a snuggler, and he is one now.
So much , with hindsight…is who they were meant to be.
Interesting post!
I see this a lot when parents make claims about their child either loving to stay home or having to go somewhere very day. I think that really starts in infancy when the kid gets used to the schedule of the house. Here we stay home mostly and spend a lot of time outside. Now at age 5 she wants nothing more than a “stay home day” and to go play outside.
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Great post! As a biological and adoptive mother, I am living the “nature verses nuture” debate every day of my life!
I absolutely believe that we are born with certain personality traits. That being said, we nurture our children and help mold them within those traits.
I had DD when I was 30. I took lots of “mommy and me” classes before returning to work FT. We would visit friends after school. Our neighborhood was new and full of kids born between 1994-1995. No shortage of playmates, people to walk with the stroller, etc. She is an extrovert extrodinaire! Makes friends easily, is outgoing, so not like her daddy, but a lot like me!
My twins arrived when I was 38. More tired and more weary from what life had thrown at me, we were banned to our home for six months because it was winter and they were 28 week preemies. No classes or company for us. Doctor visits were our only outings: Ealry Intervention therapists our only visitors.
We had to repeat the same thing for their second winter, except we had not therapist visits!
At home full tiem, I entered preschool hoping to make new mommy friends, as my old ones were all now at work FT. There were no new babies in my neighborhood.
The moms were horrible! Snotty and cliquey! No playdates or new friends for us outside of school until they were in their four year old class. We did some playdates, not like my oldest DD.
My twins do have friends at school, not nearly as many as my oldest. One reason is that she had eight kids on our block ready to play with after school. My kids have one, and we do not speak to the parents unless necessary (not good neighbors, unfortunately). With most of their friends being the youngest, it is the older siblings’ schedules that rule their world.
My twins love to be at home. My DD loves to be out. Coincidence?
.-= mommymommymommy´s last blog ..Adoption is Not Simple, But Oh So Worth It! Part 1 =-.
All 3 of mine were born with very distinct personalities. They were raised in an almost identical environment until the youngest was in about 2cd. grade. At that point events did shape their personalities but at the same time they changed and dealt with things differently in line with their natural personalities. Does that make sense?
I will say that I believe that being a family centered family: (For the most part our social interaction is inverted or focused on extended family and my family was the same way.) have shaped them to be individuals without much concern for fitting in socially. This is two edged because while they aren’t very concerned with peoples opinions of them it also limits them in more social growth. I don’t know if that makes sense either.
Mostly nature-with some added environmental changes. Now I sound like the EPA : )
.-= Motpg´s last blog ..For Littlest! =-.
I think it’s a little of both. My youngest gets dragged everywhere with his older brothers and as a result, he is doing things at a much younger age, quite the little daredevil. But, maybe he would have been like that anyway…it’s so hard to tell.
I do think it’s both to some degree, but for me personally, it’s a 70/30 split. I’d say 70% they were born with it and MAYBE 30% environmental factor and that’s being generous to the environment. My oldest was born with personality to burn but my youngest took awhile to develop her sense of self. The two are only two years apart but miles apart in personality.
I wonder what difference the sex makes as well? Having a boy first then a girl. I was amazed at how different boys and girls are just because, well they’re boys and girls. I know society trying to tell everyone that boys and girls should be raised without consideration for their sex. But I think that idea is based on giving more credit to “nurture” than I do.
.-= J.´s last blog ..Rose Bowl Antique Market =-.
I think it’s their personality. Even if you don’t overly socialize a child – they could still be outgoing. I never socialized my daughter past her being in an in home daycare with 5 or 6 other kids before she got to school and she’s never been shy… always ready to meet the world, I on the other hand am not!
My son is the same way and so is his daddy – I’m the only shy one in the bunch other than my step-son…
.-= Momma Drama´s last blog ..Corn on the Cob Anyone? =-.
I think that we are born with a primary personality but as we grow up and adapt to our situations and surroundings, learn how to find happiness and meet our wants and needs we develop a secondary personality that helps us maintain our primary personalities desires. This concept is taught by Dr. Taylor Hartman, with the books, The Color Code which I am sure many of you have heard of, and the Character Code. After reading and learning so much about this theory four or five years ago I am surprised at how quickly in babies one can start to see what their primary personality is. It is very interesting. You should check it out the most accurate way of telling what ones personality “color” is, is by going off references from ones childhood. As a mother I think you would clearly be able to see where you children fit in the spectrum! Good Luck! I love your blog!
I think birth order has something to do with it. As well as the nature vs. nuture. Stopping from SITS!
Yes, I definitely think it is both. They are born with certain personality traits but are certainly influenced by environment. Hard to say which traits will shine through and persist no matter what. Another interesting question as always.
.-= Melissa (Dr. Mom)´s last blog ..Sometimes, Dad Knows Best =-.
I think it is a little of our schedules and genetics. My son was first and I sought out social activities…yet he is quieter and calmer and shy. He loves going out and hanging out but with those he knows.
My daughter is a homebody but she is much more outgoing naturally…and I do very few classes, etc. with her. It will be interesting to see what happens in preschool next year!
.-= Holly L´s last blog ..Tickled Pink No. 10 with a Hop! =-.
I think most has to do with genetics, however environment also has something to do with it. The only reason I say that it’s mostly genetics is because I have an older brother and a younger one. My older brother is very antisocial and just miserable. My younger brother is happy-go-lucky and so am I. Unless something tramatic happened to the older one that I’m not aware of, we all grew up the same.
.-= Janine´s last blog ..Why My Son is Awesome =-.
As an adoptive mom who has nothing to do with her son’s biology, I can tell you that the nature side is STRONG. But the nurture side is, of course, going to factor in to who our kids will become as well. My husband and I are quiet, mild-mannered people and our son is, well, the opposite! He has been since day one. So I know that much of who he is was programmed into his DNA well before we ever came into the picture. There is little we can do to alter who he fundamentally is with our actions…and we wouldn’t want to change a thing about him anyway!!
.-= Anne´s last blog ..The Proposal (Part 2) =-.
Great post,…and love the new site! I absolutely believe adult actions help mold our childrens behavior. On the other hand, children have a natural “bent” that we parents need to let blossom as they grow. Forcing our “bent” on our children will only cause conflict & confusion in the process.
Jennifer
.-= Jennifer´s last blog ..My Apologies =-.
I do believe it’s a combination. Everybody is born with certain personality characteristics that make them who they are but the environment a person grows up in definitely has an influence as well. Stopping by from SITS
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