Were you brought up giving all your relatives hugs and kisses before saying goodbye?
Many families believe it is disrespectful not to kiss grandma and grandpa and sometimes aunts, uncles, and cousins too, goodbye before leaving. Some relatives may even be insulted if not properly hugged or kissed hello or goodbye. Of course just like anything else though, there are two different ends of the spectrum.
Some people believe that not teaching your kids to ‘kiss the relatives’ is another sign of respect going down the drain. They believe that family morals are no longer what they once were and that it is the things like this are “making the world what it is today”.
On the other hand, some people think that pushing your kids to ‘kiss the relatives’ sets them up for being vulnerable to physical affection in harmful ways.
I do think, at least those who firmly believe in kissing the relatives, that it has a lot to do with how you were brought up. I never had the issue pushed upon me growing up. My husband on the other hand, comes from a very old fashioned family who does believe improper hellos and goodbyes are disrespectful. Because of this, my kids have grown up kissing the relatives hello and goodbye and really have never given it much second thought. As they have gotten older my son for instance, has graduated to the handshake with the men but does still kiss his grandmas and aunts.
What do you think? Is it appropriate to make your kids kiss the relatives? Is it disrespectful not to?
{ 22 comments }
We ask Julia to give everyone a hug goodbye. She still complies and is glad to hug everyone in the room. If she starts shying away from it I won’t force her. I’m not a hugger myself. I can fully understand not wanting full body contact with some of these people.
.-= Joey @ Big Teeth & Clouds´s last blog ..My first trip to vacation bible school =-.
No, I would never force it. Although I don’t know if it would be different if they were a little older. Right now they don’t see their extended family enough and they might be almost scared if I was forcing them upon their relatives. But I also am generally not a fan of doing something because you are supposed to do it.
.-= liz´s last blog ..Worst Kind of Varmint =-.
This is a great subject, and one that I think about often (believe it or not). I was brought up with the kissing hello and goodbye, and definitely it was a sign of respect in our home. There are times when I encourage my kids to kiss their nana or grandma goodbye and both of them (nana & grandma) will say, “No, that’s ok. They don’t have to if they don’t want to.” Which sends a mixed message to my kids. My husband tells me to let it go, but it really bothers me. Then I wonder if I am doing the wrong thing to encourage them. Hmmmmm … I’m interested to see what others comment on this one. Thanks for the thoughts …
.-= Leanne´s last blog ..Peaches & Peace – in a grocery store =-.
My husband’s family are huggers and kissers straight up. So my husband pushes the kids for it and so does Nana and Papa.
When the kids were babies that was fine, but they’re 4 and 2 now. It’s time to let them make up their own minds about who they want to kiss/hug or not.
I want to give them a choice in matters. “Do you want to wear the green shirt or the blue shirt? Do you want carrots or peas?” That’s telling your kids that what they want matters to you and that they have a say in things. So if they don’t want to kiss hello/goodbye that’s OK. Maybe next time they will. Maybe when they see that it’s a choice and not an obligation, they’ll feel better about it.
.-= J´s last blog ..The Getty Center Los Angeles =-.
I don’t know if it’s appropriate or not. My kids are natural huggers so I don’t have to force them. Kissing? Not so much.
.-= chele´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – Just Kickin’ Back =-.
It is respectful to do, but as they grow older it needs to be their choice. I believe if they are feeling geuine love from the fam a hug will feel wonderful. Forced love never works….very interesting topic!
We’re not really big on it either way, but I know the “older” generation thinks it’s a big deal – or at least enjoy it a lot. The lady that keeps my son (a girl I went to high school with’s grandmother!) makes him kiss her goodby every day as a trade off for his paci – if they both forget, I do make sure he gives her one. He’s almost 3, so he fights sometimes, but he fights over everything!
It has more to do with what the elder wants, not so much what I want. If my child is older and doesn’t want to, depending on who it is, I won’t make them. I would for his grandmother/grandfather, but not the babysitter for example.
.-= Momma Drama´s last blog ..Smoking Pot at 13? =-.
We never made our kids hug or kiss if they didn’t want to. Everyone has different personal limits and I always felt I needed to respect my kids’.
.-= debbie´s last blog ..When You Get That Craving… =-.
I used to never give it a second thought, but back when my oldest (now 14) was younger, I read a book by Gavin deBecker that challenged my assumptions. He said — and I paraphrase — that by overriding our children’s wishes about things like “kissing Uncle Harry”, we teach them that no doesn’t mean no, that their intuition is not important enough to listen to, that “their gut” should be ignored. He maintains that intuition (and fear) are actually “gifts” that all human beings need and should acknowledge in order to stay safe.
It changed my way of thinking about all of that kind of thing. Check out The Gift of Fear, and also Protecting the Gift.
Keep cool — it’s hot here in Jersey!!
I think Gavin is spot on with that. I’ll keep it in mind the next time my husband tries for force one of the kids to say “Hi” to some random person, when they obviously don’t want to. I’ll check the book out as well. Thanks for posting about it.
.-= J.´s last blog ..Southern California Water Parks: Have you been yet? =-.
I don’t think children should be forced to kiss and hug relatives goodbye. However, we are a hugging sort of family so it is natural to do so. My immediate family lives close together so there is a lot of closeness and love.
If we went to a reunion where my grandchildren were introduced to a lot of relatives they didn’t know then I would not expect them to give affection that would feel awkward.
Great question.
.-= Ellen Marie “Mama” Pike´s last blog ..Emotional Generosity =-.
Kissing relatives was never pushed on me either as a child, but as I got older it seemed like the well mannered thing to do so I sort of developed the habit based on the microcosm societal norms I was surrounded by. My brothers are not huggy kissy people at all, but sometimes I wish they were a little less uptight about it. Maybe if it was enforced more as children they wouldn’t be annoyingly stiff huggers today. I try to get them out if this rigidity by running up to them and giving them huge mushy bear hugs whenever I see them. I think my method is slowly working.
.-= JoJo´s last blog ..Testosterone Infested Martians =-.
When the kids are little, everyone seems to love the feel of those chubby little arms giving a hug, and the sloppy kisses. We always did the hug/kiss thing, especially with the grandparents. Special aunts/uncles got the same treatment – but definitely grandparents. My parents never forced this on us, but it’s typically how they greeted their own parents (well, my mom did, anyway! Dad was less demonstratives).
For my own kids, hugs & kisses for the grandparents is all right – but it depends on the relationship, too. As mine have gotten older, they show less affection for some adults than they did in the past – but they still will say goodbye, and give a hug. It is important, I think, to greet and depart from people using your manners – even if that doesn’t extend to a physical thing like a hug/kiss/handshake. A handshake would be polite, certainly, but making it a point to say goodbye to someone is definitely important.
I would not force a child to show physical affection to anyone – but I would insist on a verbal “goodbye” at the very least.
.-= Kathy´s last blog ..All McDonald’s Restaurants Deserve a Break Today – from Frivolous Lawsuits =-.
I do not make my kids kiss relatives – I don’t think it’s ok. Hugs for very close ones – like my parents, Husband’s parents. No one else.
.-= missy´s last blog ..Important Observations and Questions =-.
Hugs would suffice. I believe they are necessary to be closer with relatives and to be more warm with them. Not so sure with kisses, but if possible then yes.
.-= Hailey´s last blog ..Middle Children – Handling Them =-.
I encourage my kids to hug their close relatives like Grandma and Grandpa and cousins but not necessarily kisses. If they look uncomfortable, I definitely don’t push the issue. I think hugs are important with close relatives but I do think it’s important to respect childrens’ boundaries. Another good topic
.-= Melissa (Dr. Mom)´s last blog ..Sometimes, Dad Knows Best =-.
I agree that both sides should be weighed according to the family. My kids only hug those immediate relatives. I’m cautious as well. NO SITTING ON LAPS!!!!
My kids have always hugged and kissed their grandma (my mom; the only relative they see on a regular basis) good-bye on their own since they were very little. I can’t remember if we told them to do that to start with when they were toddlers, or if they just do it on their own because Grandma has always hugged and kissed them good-bye.
.-= Niki´s last blog ..Family =-.
Nope. Never have, never will.
.-= mommymommymommy´s last blog ..Coming Back from Vacation =-.
We ask the kids to say goodbye to relatives when they leave, but we don’t require that they kiss or hug. My in laws are huge huggers, but I laid down the law with them from the beginning — hugging is extremely intimate to me and I don’t do it with anyone but my husband and children. No exceptions. I won’t hold my children to different standards.
However, if they don’t acknowledge the relative, they will suffer a consequence. For us, acknowledging is what that hug/kiss is about. And so often they will wave from the door even after they’ve said goodbye just because we make goodbyes such a big and non-confrontational event.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..A girl and a movie =-.
I definitely won’t be making my kid’s kiss the relatives, but I will always offer it as a choice. I just want to teach my children that it is okay for them to say no. In an obedience standpoint, if I tell them to do something, I will expect it to be done. But if I ask, they are free to choose. “Would you like to kiss grandma goodbye?” If they say “No” then that’s okay. They need to have control over their own physical bodies & over their own decisions. So for us, I think phrasing it as a question is the way we will do it.
.-= Cameron´s last blog ..How to Efficiently Read Blogs =-.
I like your blog layout, I guess I haven’t been by in a while, same of me! I miss ya’! I’ll have to add you to my blogroll so that doesn’t happen again.
As far as this, I think there is a need to teach a child how to be polite, how to greet and say goodbye but I’d never push one of my kids to go beyond a wave. Now that my child is getting a little older (4) it’s a different story. She was given time and now she’ll hug/kiss those freely- those she doesn’t’ I certainly don’t push it- just can’t these days.