We all know how mean kids can be. They can be downright degrading and make other kids feel like dirt. We try to teach our kids not to tease and to treat others the way they would want to be treated themselves. But, can teasing be a good thing if we are the ones doing the teasing?
Now I am not talking degrading your children, but what about having that sort of way where you can tease your kids so that they ‘learn’ to deal with people and have a handle on it rather than just wanting to go hide in a corner. Sort of like constructive criticism, you know? Call it maybe, constructive teasing?
Do some kids today not know how to deal with other kids or people because they are so sheltered and coddled? Should we be teaching them to deal with things more instead of just teaching the teasers to stop?
On the other hand can constructive teasing make kids feel more self conscious about themselves? Could it make them more likely to tease others?
We have brought our kids up in a way where we do I guess, tease. I am not saying that we tease our kids in a way that they are being ridiculed, but it is in a somewhat fun way (if that makes sense). You know, teach them that it is okay to ‘laugh at themselves’. I do think that so far my son (who is now almost 13) knows how to handle people and has a tendency not to let things bother him. It was a little challenging at first to make him understand that not all kids will be on the same wave length. We would find when he was small that he would ‘friendly’ tease not meaning any harm (because this is what he was used to), but other kids were not and took it in a negative way causing a problem. As he got older he started to understand this more (thankfully). He has though (so far) grown up to be known as an easy going, friendly sort of kid.
I do have to say though that this may all differ with personality. And I am not sure that it would work with all kids…as we know, they are all so different.
What do you think? Do you feel that a little teasing can help a child or hurt them?
{ 21 comments }
I think it depends what you are reasing them about, and to what degree. We tease my SS and call him “stinky butt” because he is noxious. However he is overweight, and that is a very sensitive subject, so we don’t make fun of him for it, that would be just plain mean.
Over the weekend our friend started calling him girl names because he was being a wimp and wouldn’t squish a bug, or touch a worm when he went fishing. It was done good naturedly, and I think that is ok too. Kids are going to get picked on, and sometimes they need to learn to toughen up… After all how many 11 year old boys out there won’t step on a tiny bug with their shoes on?
When it comes down to it kids need to learn to deal with stuff, and not be so sensitive, because as you grow up, you will meet “mean people” or people who are having a bad day, and you need to blow it off, not run and cry.
We do lots of gentle teasing. It’s never about the child’s appearance or intelligence. For instance, we’ll tease our big kid about his obsession with mustangs, but we’d never tease him for having large teeth. Also, we’ll tease our daughter (who’s a daddy’s girl) about her parentage (e.g., she grew in the cabbage patch, etc), but we’d never tease our son in that same way because he’s adopted.
In our view, teasing can be really good-natured fun or it can be cruel and cause a child to question his/her worth. We’re jokesters, so we try to keep it in check and never stray near that line. Does that make sense?
Yes yes yes a world of yes. My son was anxious and sort of timid, like I was as a child. I didn’t always feel like my parents knew how to draw the line between gentle loving teasing and mean-spirited teasing, so we’re very very careful, but I’m the soul of sarcasm and my husband is a natural-born smartass, and the kids are used to that. Plus, god, they’re huge pains in the asses a lot of the time, we have to be allowed to use them for entertainment just a little, right? right?
We tease…but all in fun never about how they look or their accomplishments, etc. There are lines we do not cross…although I have seen other parents cross them and it hurts to hear it…some people do not know when to stop. With my son, he is so sensitive, we don;t do it much…he doesn’t even like being called a nickname like slugger (in baseball)…he only likes his name.
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Wow – you’ve had some deep thinking topics lately!
When I first read your post, I thought, “Dear, No! No teasing here.” But then when I really think about it, I guess there is some teasing that takes place (I like to call it “gentle teasing”, as Kelly described above.) But I do think I’m really in tune with it, and would NEVER go overboard. We are jokers in this house, and love to laugh, so I guess gentle teasing does happen.
Hmmmm . . . you always leave me thinking . . .
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We’re a teasing family. Not so much about physical characteristics (although my big hands and feet are often the butt of jokes) but more about actions or daily blunders. We value laughing at ones self in our type of sense of humor which is shared through much of the family.
I expect she’ll need therapy.
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I guess it depends on the child and waht the “tease” is about. DO we tease? Not really. My oldest is very sensitive, so I guess we never did it much with our twins.
I did tease lovingly during my teaching days. With today’s nutty parents, I would probably get sued now!
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ABSOLUTELY tease your children! I can’t imagine not being teased and joked with. Like some commenters here, my husband and I are sarcastic smart-asses. It completely cracked us up when my husband bumped his head on an open cupboard door and our then 6-year-0ld asked, “So how’s that working out for ya?” We’re careful not to make fun of physical characteristics or academic/emotional things – typically the comments we make to each other or about ourselves are the sort of self-deprecating things that are meant to be funny – but if there is even a hint of a self-esteem issue starting, we nip that in the bud right away. Is there an issue? Has the kid been getting mean-teased at school about something? Kid feeilng self-conscious?
Sure – there are limits, and sometimes we need reminding of that – but done the right way, the gentle teasing is a sign of loving, too.
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Hubby is a BIG teaser. It did take some getting used to at first for both my daughter and I, but you know what – we both take it better now then we used to. We know it’s no big deal and he does it with all five of the kids (and me), so it’s not like he picks on a single person. They pick back at him too and then wrestle and play.
It’s turned out for the better – I didn’t have that growing up being an only child and it hurts when it’s done outside of the home. You don’t know how to react, defend, or throw it back out them.
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we tease them. and i think parents should. it’s a normal part of life, and they need to be able to handle a bit of adversity.
I am a very sarcastic person, as is my husband. As a resulting, we talk to each other and our kids in a very teasing, playful way the majority of the time. For myself and my kids, this teasing banter allows us to laugh/shrug off insults and mean spirited teasing. It also makes the atmosphere in our home lighter and happier. My boys are known in our neighborhood for diffusing bullying or fights just by telling their friends to chill out, which coming from a four year old is a sight:)
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This kind of goes hand in hand with my “Blog Against Bullying” post that I have going on right now.
It’s a fine line. Like you said, what is light teasing to one kid is, well, bullying to another kid. And we can’t just brush that off as, “It’s a part of growing up.” It is important to teach our kids that at some point they just have to laugh it off and learn to laugh at themselves. However, I think just like everything with parenting and figuring out how to teach what is right and wrong and that everything isn’t black and white, you also have to teach your kids that a light teasing is not harrassing someone and putting them down and making them feel bad about themselves. It’s also about teaching our kids to know how to recognize, stop and apologize when they’ve gone to far.
I think it will all depend on your kid’s age. My oldest isn’t quite 4 and she def doesn’t understand teasing as playful. If you are trying to joke with her she takes you literally and gets very upset.
I’m sure both my kids will figure it out since my husband and I are huge on sarcasm and regularly “tease” each other.
Visiting from the Lady Bloggers Tea Party
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Such an interesting way to look at it. I do think that some teasing is okay. Gentle teasing. Otherwise, anything that our kids hear that isn’t 100% positive is going to cause them tears.
Glad to have found your blog from Lady Bloggers!
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Over from the Ladies TEa Party. Glad I choose your blog to click.
I say yes! Like most other gentle teasing is perfectly fine in our house. We have fun with it and allow it done back it makes for some good laughs in the home. However I would NEVER tease my child or let them tease anothers..person flaws or appearance etc etc
I tease my kids, but not in the degrading, make fun of your appearance, academics kind of way. My oldest, 5, even teases me back sometimes. As a society, I think most people are overly sensitive to the point they can’t even laugh at themselves anymore. I don’t know as it makes them mentally or emotionally tougher, but it does make them realize that it’s okay to laugh at themselves and they can take things seriously, but they don’t always have to be serious about everything 100% of the time.
We friendly tease our kids, but we also teach them not to ever make fun of other people for how they look or call anyone dumb or stupid. I want my kids to be respectful of others and never bully anyone. My oldest is 6 and he has told me some kids tease him in a fun way and he seems to know the difference.
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I’m not sure on this one. We’ve always had playful teasing in our household, but I’ve seen it gone too far sometimes. Like my younger sister, we would always tease her that she was fat, and I guess at school they would tease her as well, so the both of us teasing her she ended up losing like 30 lbs, but not eating any carbs. This was when she was 12. Now it did help her because she was 150lbs as a 7th grader and only 5’3, because she was very large, but she was miserable while she was dieting, and I wish we would have made it easier for her by encouraging her instead of “teasing” her since she got enough of that at school.
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I’m wasn’t much of a teaser until I met my husband! He and his family are BIG teasers. I learned to love that kind of humor. We definitely tease our little girl and we want her to have a good sense of humor. It’s all in good fun.
Great topic!!
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Totally helps in our case, but it is nice teasing.
Although 2 weeks ago, my oldest got her 1st horrendous pimple and after 2 days of telling her it was all ok I started to tease a little bit about the volcano on her chin.
That actually made her feel better. Weirdly enough. That and the fact that I told her people are more concerned with themselves that they will never notice – and nobody did.
I have to disagree with most of the posters here, actually. I grew up in a family that teased constantly, and, having been a really sensitive kid (and adult!) it always upset me. It would make me cry, but then I’d be told that they’re “just kidding” and “not to take myself so seriously.”
I think there is a point, yes, where kids need to learn not to be so serious about themselves always, but I think that’s better taught in school and social situations. You know. . .your son comes home and says that Timmy called him names because of XYZ reason, and then you give them the “everything people say about you isn’t true, etc.” conversation.
But no, to me, there’s a very, very thin line between teasing and being made fun of, so even though I don’t have kids yet, I’m not going to be taking that route when I do.