In a world where respect seems to be dwindling and taking a back seat, we do our best to raise our kids respectful and well mannered. But, how do we teach our kids the importance of being respectful to others if the “others” are not being respectful back? Much of parenting and raising well-adjusted, well-mannered kids is role modeling. What do we do when we cannot control the role modeling?
The problem I am referring to is the disrespectful, basically immature, adult. These people make our lives more difficult. We can teach our kids all we can about respect and manners and being a good human being, then in comes this adult.
I teach my kids to address adults properly, such as ‘Hi Coach Smith’, and not just ‘Hi’, or like some kids, nothing at all (and just a smug look). I teach my kids to acknowledge everyone, respect everyone, and be friendly to everyone.
What happens when your kid is being the friendly one but the adult isn’t?
Following me? Well, take this example. My son, in a group of his middle school-aged friends, sees a Coach (and father of a friend) in the school. The kids are all saying hello, including my son. The Coach knows all of these kids and proceeds to say hello and high-five the kids, completely disregarding my son (who he knows just as well & and who has acknowledged him). Now…what is that? Immaturity at it’s best?
Of course this is just one example, but there ARE many adults out there like this. Where do these people come from? Are they adults who grew up being taught no respect? Why would a grown adult act this way? Ignorance and high-horse syndrome? Jealousy?
My son didn’t seem to be affected by it and it basically just came up in conversation. We explained to him that people like him were not taught to be good human beings and that he is a good example of what you don’t want to be.
Why do you think adults act this way?
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
Adults don’t see themselves are role models and I blame stupidity. If you look at professional athletes, many have this “I didn’t ask to be no role model” attitude. They think you get some kind of role model badge. They don’t think their behavior has any impact on others.
I truly believe it takes a village and I wish we could skim the idiots out of our village. Since we can’t, I think all you can do is use them as a reverse role model. Don’t be that guy.
.-= Joey @ Big Teeth & Clouds´s last blog ..My first trip to vacation bible school =-.
Exactly!
if an incident like that happens once, I try to give the person the benefit of the doubt…it may just be they are distracted and not realizing what they’re doing. usually tell my kid “I’m sure he didn’t mean to overlook you.” If it happens with the same person more than once (which it has) we have the discussion that you did with your child.
I started out having the discussion that “this person is not being kind like we teach you to be” more quickly, and I realized that it was creating a bit of an attitude in my own kid of “if you’re not nice to me ALL the time, you’re not my friend” – meaning he was not becoming accepting of people making mistakes. So I try to strike a balance.
.-= gigi´s last blog ..Indaway Designs Apron Giveaway! =-.
Very true…definitely know the situation before you judge.
adult immaturity sickens me. and those who grew up like that deserved some slaps upside the head when they were younger.
Exactly! That is not the adult I want my kid to grow up to be!
I know exactly what you mean, and it’s so sad – what chance does the kid have to be a respectful human being when they don’t have that as a role model?? My guess is that the adult’s parents weren’t the best models themselves… but someone has to step up and be mature!
.-= parenting ad absurdum´s last blog ..Do you lie about how you met? =-.
Right, when the kids are the more mature ones, there is a problem.
I always maintain that YOU are your child’s biggest role model. No matter what they see on TV or from their friend’s parents, it’s your attitude and behavior that they come back to time and time again.
How do YOU behave when people are rude to you? What do you say when the coach’s wife speaks to your husband but not you? “Wow Mrs So and So must have been distracted to not even say ‘Hi’ to me.” or “Well that was pretty rude of her, what a witch!”
And how do you treat other people? Do you look at the cashier in the face and speak to him/her politely when you’re in a hurry to check out?
What I would have told my child is this, always be the polite one even if you think someone is being rude to you. Even if you think the coach is ignoring you, simple step forward and say ‘Hello’ yourself. That way if he wasn’t ignoring and truly didn’t see you, you’ve saved him some embarasment. That’s what manners are all about.
.-= J.´s last blog ..Taschen Sale =-.
Definitely. Tell them to be the bigger one. The more mature one and not act like them.
I know what you mean…I try to instill manners, respect, and kindness in my children and then I see adults everyday running in through that door that someone is holding for them without even a glance or a thank you. I really think some people are oblivious and like you said really were not taught to think of others. It’s disheartening but I still try my best to remind my children what the kind thing to do is and hopefully more and more children will grow up to be the adults that model that respect and kindness for their own children
.-= Melissa (Dr. Mom)´s last blog ..Sometimes, Dad Knows Best =-.
It drives me nuts when I see that kinda stuff happening, but I believe strongly in leading by example, so I try to counter that kinda stuff by showing the right things to do. Maybe by encouraging my child to high-five everyone, and to make sure not to miss anyone, or by doing it myself if I help out on the team.
I agree though that kids look to their parents for an example of what to do, more than they look at any other adult. I was so proud of my 4 year old son last month. His school had a Mother’s Day breakfast at a local cafe’. While my son and I were there, eating, enjoying each other’s company, many other mothers used the time as a “social hour” with the other Moms, ignoring their child. There were probably no less than ten of my son’s schoomates running through the restaurant, jumping, acting crazy…….all with a parent present, doing nothing to stop it. My son sat next to me and was, well, he was no less than amazing the whole time. On the way home, I told him how proud I was of him…….. that the hardest time to make the right choice, is when you see your friends around you making the wrong one……. that I thought he was amazingly brave to be able to make such a good choice.
.-= Mommy2Four´s last blog ..PlayBall! =-.
How insulting! But, I’d like to give Coach the benefit of the doubt, as your reader Gigi suggesed. Is it possible Coach overlooked your son because there were other things going on – perhaps the group of boys caught him as he was in the middle of something, distracted, etc.? If not, and it is painfully evident that the ignoring of your son was intentional, then shame on Coach.
You are absolutely right to tell your son to continue to be polite and use his good manners, and it says so much about his character (and how he’s been raised!) that he did not let this incident bother him. That tells me he has confidence in himself, and confidence in the situation – that is, it might have been a one-time thing and he’s not going to take it personally. That’s so much easier to handle than a kid who dwells for days on why Coach doesn’t like him, and then constantly seeks Coach’s approval during every interaction, afterward.
I hope the next time he sees Coach, things will be better – and if Coach makes a habit of treating other boys like this, then it’s time to find a more responsible adult to handle the team.
I have to preface that I’m not a parent. However, I was a teacher for two years and in childcare for five years before that.
I totally agree about immature adults who undermine good parenting with their behavior. That being said, the coach in the incident you used as an example probably just made an oversight. I think that parents, especially mothers, have this ultra-sensitive radar & they are sometimes a little too quick to judge situations, ESPECIALLY when they feel that their child was slighted or mistreated in even the slightest of ways. Teachers, Coaches, School Counselors…. these are people who choose to be around children because they love them. They’re also human and are busy and make mistakes. At least in my experience parents tend to forget that.
And I’m sorry to offend, but I think that perhaps the truly sad thing about this particular case is that you basically told your son that his coach -who probably volunteers his time to be a coach- isn’t a good human being because of something that was (basically) meaningless to your son. You said it didn’t seem to effect him -and believe me, if your son felt rejected or insecure about his relationship with this coach -if he felt the coach singled him out, or picked on him, or simply didn’t like him chances are pretty dang good that you’d know about it, and then maybe there really would be a problem. My question to you is, if you just taught your son that something as simple as overlooking a high-five can make you a bad person, what kind of pressure are you putting on your son to be a good one? No body is that perfect all the time.
I definitely think it’s a problem with maturity when the adults are acting like this. Not only are they just being ridiculous as adults, but they’re being horrible role models for their children.
I’m a new follower from FMBT! I look forward to reading more of your posts!
.-= Cameron´s last blog ..10 on Tuesday: 10 Pet Peeves =-.
Thanks Cameron, Glad you stopped by!
I meant to say I’m a new follower from BlogFrog!! Sorry, can’t keep everything straight today!!
.-= Cameron´s last blog ..10 on Tuesday: 10 Pet Peeves =-.
Definitely due to poor parenting and lowered standards of etiquette in American society. I think the ’60s was such a break with the past that a lot of etiquette was lost in translation. Tell your son that we are not responsible for the way others behave, only the way we ourselves behave and that he only gets one chance to make a good first impression.
.-= CherylT´s last blog ..Taking leap of content with trivializing news talk show on BlogTalkRadio =-.
Some adults are just like that. I’m a teacher and I’ve seen colleagues behave in ways that worse than their students. How can we expect our students or our children to behave in ways if we’re not modeling that behavior?
Great post. Stopping by from SITS
It is hurtful to our children when an adult treats them rudely AND it tugs at our heartstrings. I have enjoyed all the comments above. We can’t control other people’s behavior but can strive to teach our children to respect others and be a good example to them.
My sister shared some thoughts on my blog this week about being emotionally generous to others. If you would like to check it out I think her message compliments this discussion. The post is called “Emotional Generosity”.
.-= Ellen Marie “Mama” Pike´s last blog ..Emotional Generosity =-.
While it’s really hard not to make a judgment call when someone does something that slights or hurts my kids, I try to never assign right/wrong labels. So in the situation you described, I wouldn’t say anything until my kid brought it up. Then I’d say, “Does it matter what he did or does it matter what you did?” One of my main parenting mantras is that we can only control our own actions. That means we behave honorably and with good intentions even when others don’t. It also means that we don’t decide whether what someone did was right or wrong, we only know that it is or isn’t how we choose to be. Hope that makes sense.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..A girl and a movie =-.