Do you remember jealousy as a teen? Of course you do. Now, you may not have been one of those super jealous people who just about flipped any time your boyfriend talked to another girl, but I think we all had some form of jealousy in us (some still do).
I am starting to wonder if some good will come out of the Teen Facebook World. What I mean is, has jealousy taken a turn for the better?
Read almost any teen’s Facebook page and you will notice how everyone talks with everyone. A lot of ’virtual flirting’ but also some regular conversation with friends of the opposite sex. Back in my day I can remember some people getting very upset if their boyfriend or girlfriend even as much as had a conversation with another person. Forget a phone call with someone else. Most would consider that well, I guess a step before ‘cheating’. Remember “notes”? I can’t imagine having written a note to a person of the opposite sex that was NOT my boyfriend. Well, texting and Facebooking….those are really the “notes” now…virtual notes.
Are things different now? Now that we have so many ways to communicate? Teens are texting each other, Facebooking each other, and who knows what else each other! Nothing is really exclusive anymore, or at least it seems that way. The ‘girlfriend’ can see the ‘other girl’ virtually flirting right in front of them on the ‘boyfriend’s’ Facebook page . I am wondering if it is making our kids grow up with less jealousy and a more ‘that’s okay, they are just friends’ kind of attitude (which may be a good thing). Or, is it just leading to the whole friends with benefits issue well known in the teen world (not so much a good thing)?
What do you think? Is the teen world becoming too casual? Is it a good thing in the long run? Or do you think it will cause problems in the whole grand scheme of things?
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
I won’t go into detail here, but yes…this has happened in our small town. A group of kids were found out by one of the parents as having had set up a “friends with bennies” group..for the sole purpose of learning how to do…well, you know what.
True story.
Where is the moral compass????????????
From the perspective of a 12-yr-old: You can’t keep someone from being friends with people of the opposite sex.
The friends have to decide what is ok or not ok to do, as far as flirting. If something said or done bothers the boy/girlfriend, then those two people need to talk about it and decide what is ok/not ok.
There are degrees of flirting. It’s ok to hug someone (“Oh, your puppy died – I’m so sorry”) but it’s not ok to just put your arm around that person and chat, if they aren’t your boy/girlfriend. Hugging shows affection – boys hug boys, girls hug girls, family/friends, etc. – but it’s not ok to do it to make someone jealous.
Nobody tells someone else they’re “cute” unless it’s a boy/girlfriend, and even then they don’t say it.
Going out is more “I like you, will you be my boy/girlfriend” and you talk on the phone and hang out at school. If you go on a “date” it’s like to the movies with 15 other people. Nobody goes on dates alone.
And mom (that’s me) – you’re married, but you have guy friends on facebook, and that doesn’t mean you’re flirting with them. So if you, who are married, have guy friends on facebook, why isn’t it ok for kids?
Plus, maybe at work you go to lunch with co-workers of the opposite sex. It doesn’t mean you’re dating, you’re just going to lunch.
(My 12 yr old and I read your post together, GenX mom – these are her thoughts)
.-= Kathy´s last blog ..Tuesday Miscellaney =-.
Now, for mom’s perspective:
In some ways, I like the idea that kids are (generally) less jealous. there isn’t anything wrong with having friends of the opposite sex – If you are in a relationship with someone though, you have to decide between you what is/isn’t acceptable between you and your “just friends.”
If your normal greeting is a long, sloppy kiss with “just friends” then that’s showing a large amount of immaturity (in my opinion) and you aren’t ready for a committed relationship with just one person. Anyone who “flirts with intent” phsyically or on the internet or whatever, isn’t ready for a committed relationship.
If I were dating someone, and that guy had a “friend with benefits,” I would be very jealous – and I’d tell that guy to take a hike. Having a sexual relationship with someone you aren’t dating – well. . . all naivete aside, but . . . WHY.
.-= Kathy´s last blog ..Tuesday Miscellaney =-.
I NEVER thought about FB being the main vehicle of flirting and note passing, but you are right. It is! This is such a fast world as it is and FB with teens isn’t helping that…at all! Thanks for the insight.
There’s less pressure on teens to get married right out of high school. They know they have more time to try on relationships and find that right person. They know they can date for longer periods of time before deciding to marry. That gives them the freedom to flirt/talk/hang out with friends (guys or girls) and really look at what they want. I think that it’s great for them to have this freedom.
I want my kids to see the value of friendship over hatred and jealousy.
Wordsworth wrote: “The Child is the father of the man.” Perhaps we as adults have something to learn from the children on this one.
.-= J. Is a Bird´s last blog ..UPDATE- Resnick Pavilion =-.
I’m sure Facebooking elicits just as much jealousy as the old way. It’s perhaps even easier to track that paper notes and phone calls. I think it’s just a different twist on the same teenage crap shoot.
.-= Joey @ Big Teeth & Clouds´s last blog ..Slow signers =-.
that’s really interesting to hear. but i do think the lack of jealous is a good thing. well, it at least means less D-R-A-M-A!
I’ve noticed something similar with my almost-16 year old son, though I never thought of it as being less jealous-y than the past – that’s an interesting perspective. My son doesn’t have a girlfriend yet, but he and all his friends go on a lot of group outings – to the movies, to play miniature golf – or parties where there are both girls and boys just hanging out together. There was none of that when I was a teen! And you’re right – my son is always texting and FBing (is that a verb?) with both boys and girls. In fact, he’s hosting a game night at our house tomorrow night, with both boys and girls.
I love that my son is getting to know girls as friends and getting to feel comfortable interacting with girls this way. I don’t remember any of that when I was a teen. All interactions between boys and girls were about sex/love/romance. Certainly, I didn’t hang out with or socialize with any boy unless he was my boyfriend.
At the same time, I do wonder whether the increased casualness might lead to more friends with benefits situations, though I see no sign of anything like that among my sons’ friends. I know that some of the girls he’s friends with DO have boyfriends…who are also friends of his.
For my son, I see this as a positive – helping him to view girls in a more complete way rather than just as sex objects.
Sue
It does seem like a fine line. On one hand, it seems easier for teens to flirt and get away with it. On the other, it’s healthy to have friends of the opposite sex. Just seems it could lead to what you call “friends with bens” and you just hope your own teen has enough self confidence and morals to know how to tread that line.
.-= Melissa (Confessions of a Dr.Mom)´s last blog ..The First Symptom of Pregnancy =-.
Oh lord – I don’t think it can really reduce the jealously – I think that’s a natural part of being an insecure teen… it just all makes me so happy that I’m a married thirty-something and not a teen!
.-= parenting ad absurdum´s last blog ..Moxie Crimefighter and me =-.
I think it’s just making kids say things that they might otherwise not say. A quick text, a facebook post, etc- they don’t even think about it. No like when they’d write out notes. And then it’s there for the world to see.
.-= Shell´s last blog ..Pour Your Heart Out- A Bloggers Glass =-.
I love your discussions!
Personally I think jealously is an internal issue that is dependent on a combination of the person’s genetic makeup and experience.
In highchool, I was constantly jealous of anyone who so much as looked at my boyfriend, so I was no doubt suspicious of any incoming female texts he received. However, I was more insecure about myself then and I had every reason not to trust him. He was the typical jock who had a reputation for cheating and not respecting girls, but I was going out with him anyways because well, I was a stupid teenager.
Now that I’m married (to someone else) I am the exact opposite. I have so much trust in my husband that I know I have nothing to worry about if he receives a message via text or facebook from another girl.
Texting in today’s day and age is a more casual way of communicating and has recently become the norm. I think the main problem is the effects this has on communicating in general but not so much disloyalty.
Since it’s so common for kids these days to communicate through this method, I don’t think it’s making such a statement when kids text or write o facebook walls of the opposite sex because in a way that’s what’s expected and the more affectionate language usage is part of their lingo.
If someone’s going to cheat, I think they would do it regardless of the text factor or facebook. Maybe it presents more temptations, but I don’t think it’s the leading cause.
I also think friends with benefits is more of a hormonal thing that happens with all age group due to curiosity, fulfilling a need or not wanting to commit. I also think it is influenced by the media above all else when kids see it as a normal activity on their favorite television shows or movies.
I don’t think there’s a strong correlation between easier access to casual communication and friends with benefits. I don’t think one has to with the other. If the driving force is there, it’s going to happen regardless. The texting might just help facilitate the process.
I think things have changed. Not only with teenager, but also young adults. Hubby and I are very old fashioned about this – we don’t have friends of the opposite sex. None. But I think there are a lot of 20 and 30 somethings out there that do! I don’t think it’s a bad thing either, just not for us.
This is very interesting. I’ve wondered the same thing. My daughter was exclusive for a year with the same boy, but she texted and chatted with many boys, who weren’t boyfriends, just friends.
I found it ODD. Apparently that is the way of the teen world. I’m not going to knock it as bad – yet. Just very curious how it will play out. Maybe it will keep them from marrying so quickly out of high school. Find themselves first and experience life before settling down.
Love your take on the text being virtual notes. So true!
Sydney texted the wrong thing to the wrong person a few times. I guess that is like the person you were talking about finding your note on the ground. Ooops.
.-= Angelia Sims´s last blog ..My Blog Reviewed =-.
I think it’s too much too fast – all of the social media allows kids to be much bolder than they may otherwise be if they only spoke to the opposite sex in person…and further, it’s too bad to miss out on those precious conversations when you feel uncertain and self conscious and butterflies…because it’s not the same online….any chance it’ll disappear by the time my daughter turns into a teen
? It could happen.
Swati
.-= Swati Bharteey´s last blog ..Humping- An Eight-Year-Old’s Inquisition =-.
I think it’s way easier for kids to connect these days than it was in the pre-cell phone, pre-Facebook, pre-Twitter days–and much harder for parents to keep an eye on. I can’t see how that’s a good thing.
I have three teenage boys (13, 14, and 14) and so far, they don’t seem to have that many friends that are girls. Every so often, one of them will announce that they have a girlfriend but I think most of that communication all happens by text. They don’t go to co-ed activities or gatherings at their friends’ houses – they are mostly still into being with their guy friends. I bet that will change soon, though, especially since two of them will start high school in the Fall. I’m looking forward to following this conversation and connecting with other moms of teens.
New visitor to your blog, BTW – love it!
Holly
I agree to some degree but I think we don’t see what the girlfriend might say to the boyfriend. also, I think it might make our kids tolerate non sense.
Facebook and social media have changed dating forever in my opinion. Dating and even friendships are undergoing a complete redefinition. I’m not crazy about it, but it’s true.. at least in my world.
Stopping by from the LBS tea party. Like your blog!
Kids are maturing at such a rapid speed these days… 12 is the new 15, and its scary…
I’m afraid that we’re going to see a completely different generation come out of this, a least respectful, and morally abrupt generation.
maybe they’ll grow out of it, but the amount of knowledge, and explicit knowledge these kids are being exposed too…
… on the other hand, the current programs directed to our child audience seemly has no value or lessons to their stories! They’re all bubble gum, toffee cookies, and everything will be ok.
So on one hand they have this really lucid entertainment, and really harsh information coming from peers and the internet…
yep. :S
.-= samantha´s last blog ..The Artist’s Marketing Plan – Get Your Work EXPOSED! =-.
I couldn’t say, luckily my kids are years away from that problem
I never dated in HS, but talking ~ cheating must just have to do with being so young, right?
.-= Christin@Pregnant with power tools´s last blog ..Vintage Car Bedroom- Can Pendant Lights =-.