Are parents too trusting these days? Maybe just oblivious. Or…maybe too busy? What happened to ‘making sure the parents are home’?
Now that we are past the ‘play date’ stage with my older two kids, things are getting a bit trickier. Bonfire parties, parties with both boys and girls, friends that I never met during their ‘play date’ years. At first my thought was, no way…are you crazy. But, then I realized this is all part of growing up. It may not be exactly what I did as a kid, but the world is changing, everything isn’t going to be the same. I am huge on kids proving themselves and gaining responsibility. Instead of saying flat out ‘no’, lets let them prove that they can handle these situations. So needless to say, they have attended some of these parties.
One of my first concerns of course is ‘are the parents there’? I don’t want to “embarrass” my kids, but there is no way I am going to just drop them off at someone’s house that I don’t even know to ‘party’. So, I have made my way into many parties, called parents, and don’t think yet that I have managed to embarrass them. I will say one time I had doubts thinking, ‘ what if this isn’t really the mom I am talking to, what if it is a big sister or something’. Okay, maybe getting a little too crazy. Or, maybe not?
I am completely amazed by the number of parents that do not do this. They drive up, open the door, and out goes their child. This has happened at my own house. In walks the kid. These parents don’t know me. For all they know I may not even be home. Or, for that matter there could be some no so pleasant people in my house. How would they know? (Remember, we are talking tweens/early teens here).
Are these parents just oblivious? Too trusting? Could they be too busy to even think about it? Do they not realize what kids are capable of? Or, maybe I am just a little too paranoid.
How do you handle ‘the parent check’? Do you make sure the parents are home before dropping off your tween?
{ 23 comments }
My girls are too young to not do the parent check right now – but I love stopping by here and seeing what I have in store in the coming years. I couldn’t even begin to imagine NOT making sure that parents are around when dropping my kids off. The thought of sending them off somewhere and not making sure there are parents home is just insane to me right now, but I am so sure there are people that do that. Thanks for always keeping me on my toes!
.-= Leanne´s last blog ..Peace – its a Good Thing! =-.
This is a stage I’m not ready for yet. I’ll have to figure out that checking without embarrassing thing.
.-= Joey @ Big Teeth & Clouds´s last blog ..AG Bell Session- Humor =-.
Hi Dalia, I so know what you’re saying. I always do the parent check. Hey, I have to know the parent, chatted, met a few times, before I let my daughter hangout at their home. And I must know where that home is. My daughter Sabrina is 12 1/2. On her 12th birthday I allowed her to have friends over for pizza, birthday cake, twister and wii. I knew all the girls that showed up, except one. Her invite was last minute, so I told Sabrina to let me know when her mom gets here so I could meet her. Would you believe the child showed up parentless? And went home parentless? True, she lives maybe 3 blocks away, but seriously, how could her mom just let her come over without meeting me?
My daughter Vanessa is 13. I’ve let her go on multiple trips with her friend Emerald and Emerald’s family? They even go out of town to a lake. How can I let her go? Because I know Emerald’s parents. Her mom especially is awesome. We’ve become friends since meeting and we met so the girls could spend more time together.
I don’t expect to know each mom as well as I know Emerald’s, but I at least need to be on a first name basis with you before my daughter goes anywhere with you or to your home.
And it’s not paranoia. What/Who’s more precious than my child?
You’re doing the right thing. The mom thing.
Thanks for dropping by and I look forward to returning.
Vanita
.-= vanita´s last blog ..Screwed from Day 1 =-.
Or parents choose to be oblivious. The whole ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ logic.
I admit that it depends on the family. Some of the kids and parents I would trust to step out for a while and leave the kids. Some of the kids aren’t good enough to follow parents directions while gone and I won’t leave mine in those homes.
Uh no. I realize I’m a few years from having to deal with this but it does seem like common sense. You get out of the car and go in and talk to the parent. Especially if you’ve never met them, but even if you have, just so you know that they are aware that your kid is there. The parent needs to know how many kids to keep an eye out for. Is there a pool at this house? Who’s responsible for watching the kids in the pool? How many kids and how many adults are there at this party?
And if someone ever dropped a kid off at my house without coming in to talk to me, they would not be invited back, not without a conversation with the parent first.. What if something happened and I needed you to pick your kid up early, say they got sick or something, how would I get a hold of you? No. nononono…
.-= J. Is a Bird´s last blog ..The LA Flea Market =-.
My kids are only 7 right now, but I already have such anxiety about playdates at friend’s houses who I don’t know the parents. There’s nothing more important the safety of our lil’ people, no matter the age, so I think it’s better to be safe than sorry…
Great topic and so relevant to us all!
I don’t think my mother ever did the parent check with me. She really should have. Which is why I do it with my daughter. All it takes is a simple phone call. I have found that her friends’ parents do the same thing and I don’t mind at all.
.-= chele´s last blog ..Being Present =-.
I totally agree with you. I’m the same way. My daughter hasn’t reached that age yet, but I haven’t let her go over to any sleepovers unless I’ve talked to a parent and known exactly what adults were going to be there. I’m planning on doing a birthday party sleepover for her 10th birthday this fall, but she’s going to be switching schools, so I’m worried none of her new friends will show up because they don’t know me… maybe not, maybe they’ll just drop their kid off! That’s so scary to me…
.-= Momma Drama´s last blog ..I’m Pregnant and… =-.
My kids are still way too little for this, but I strongly believe in the parent check – embarrassment be dammed!
As a teen I acted mortified in front of my friends when my mom was overbearing in her checking-up, but secretly I was glad to have the “out” in case of issues. It was easier to say “Nah, can’t do that, you know how my mom is.” than to back out of a sticky situation on my own. Plus, parents are SUPPOSED to be embarrassing. That’s how you know they’re doing their job right.
.-= Jessica (@It’s my life…)´s last blog ..And then they were gone =-.
Embarrassment be damned. If you’re unsure about how the party is being supervised, you are perfectly within your parental rights to find out. How many bits have been in the news about underage drinking, drug/drinking-related accidents (drowning, car, etc.) and everyone says, “Oh the parents weren’t home,” and nobody knew that? Or pretended not to know?
Your post is timely – my 12 1/2 yr old was invited to a slumber party, and I talked to the dad on the phone – who said they’d be going to his friend’s place on the water, for swimming, jet-skis, etc. Flags went up for me – WHO is this “friend,” why is the party being moved “off location,” and I don’t want my kid on a jet-ski with some guy I’ve never met before – let alone swimming with how many other girls (she doesn’t know who else is attending, aside from the hostess) and who knows how many adults to supervise (who may or may not be drinking). We’ve told her she can go to the slumber party part, but not the other part, which is scheduled for the afternoon. Is she disappointed, angry, feeling like we don’t trust her? Absolutely – Does she know it isn’t necessarily her own behavior we’re concerned about, but that of her friend’s parents (whom we haven’t met) and the parents’ “friend”? yes. but she’s still mad at us. This party occurs in 2 days time – so I’ll be interested to see if the “slumber” part back at the house works out, or if my chld will just have to bow out completely.
I remember slumber parties – my parents, if they didn’t know the girl well, would drive by the house – check the neighborhood. My mom would drop me off and visit briefly with the other mom. I was invited by girls I’d known for years, girls my mom would have encountered briefly at school events if nothing else. But yes – it’s important to know as much as you can about the family/parents/kid/situation if you can – but also important to (somehow!!!) arm your child with the right tools to bow out of a situation that makes them feel uncomfortable for any reason.
.-= Kathy´s last blog ..Tuesday Miscellaney =-.
Yes, and yes, and YES!
Know why? I hear what kids do. How do I hear? Because I work as a caterer, and I manage the Jr. Crew staff, which means all the little teenage girls that are working and don’t think I’m LISTENING while they talk. Yup, you reach a certain age and you become invisible. SO..I hear ALL that they do and how they do it.
SO,yeah, I do…the helicopter thing… I DO.
My kids aren’t tweens yet but I do plan to do my homework. Heck, one of my good friends, whose son plays with mine and who I totally trusted, turned out to be a mom that was okay with letting her 7 and 5 year old play in front of her house, running up and down the street, totally unsupervised. SHe was inside the house! NOT okay with me. Needless to say, I’m clear about setting expectations now.
.-= gigi´s last blog ..Unrequited Love =-.
My boys are too young for this but I think I will be overprotective of them for sure. I am going to be super nervous when I don’t know the parents because you never know how they parent or what goes on behind closed doors. UGH I am dreading this!
You’re not paranoid – just a good mom! I totally intend to be the same way when Tori gets to that age…but first, we have to master the playdate!
.-= amber´s last blog ..A Running Conversation =-.
Though I’m not there yet, I’m pretty sure I would do what you do. I can’t imagine not knowing who my kids were hanging out with especially not knowing the parents of the house they will be in. I would definitely want to know. Honestly, these days I think parents need to be more vigilant.
.-= Melissa (Confessions of a Dr.Mom)´s last blog ..Dealing With Your Daily Dose of Mommy Guilt =-.
I just let my son (13) know right off the bat that if he is going to a house of a parent that I do not know, that I will have to meet them. It happened recently and I had prepped him that he needed tell this new friend that when we came over that I would be getting out of the car and meeting the mom. He hangs with a group of kids whose parents I know well, so I have not had to do this too often. With my other child (17) who is going to college now, it seemed that at about 15 she told me that people do not do this anymore. As she was the youngest in her class and all of the others were driving…..I can believe this. I tried to respect her judgement and luckily all went well. She stayed out of any trouble and would even opt not to go to some parties to avoid it. Guess I got lucky on that one:)
.-= ZippyChix4´s last blog ..The Gender Gap =-.
Great topic. This has happened a couple times but not often. I also think we should be a little more careful because ow with our children using their cell phones we have really lost connection of who their friends are. This is one reason I hate my child having a cell phone.
I’m with you on all counts! We weren’t sure how to handle it at first either, but I do think it’s important to meet the parents (and make sure they’re there!). Definitely not all parents have the same approach. My 15-year old hosted a game night (boys and girls) last week and a couple of kids were just dropped off. Most of them we already knew, but I made a point to introduce myself to the ones we didn’t – the kids AND the parents!
On the other hand, my 12-year old slept over at a friend’s house last week with several other boys, and the mom just went off to work in the morning and left them alone! I trust my son but not a whole group of 12-year old boys. Fortunately, my son was so exhausted, he called me to pick him up at 8 am anyway (we have known this family for years but I didn’t know the mom wouldn’t be there in the morning), and the other boys were all still half asleep.
Embarrassing or not, we’ll continue to introduce ourselves!
Sue
I have to admit. I am bad about not doing this anymore. I guess my thinking is…she is two years from 18. How much more control am I really going to have? When do you let go? I have friend with a 20yr old that still does the parent check and she is freaking out her daughter is going to college 4 hours away this fall and she won’t know what she is doing or where she is or with who. I just don’t want to be that bad.
The last “guy” friend of my daughter’s I didn’t meet him or his parents. I did check out all their profiles on Facebook. Then I had her text me a pic of her with his brother from her iPhone. You know, kinda like the where are you and who is there? Yeah…well send me a pic then.
It worked nicely. Maybe I am a lazy parent, or just trying to stay on the learning curve.
.-= Angelia Sims´s last blog ..The Cross Dressing Elvis makes a Move =-.
here comes the hatemail, but I call it “lazy parenting.”
I get out of the car, and I go in, and I see with my eyes who’s there.
I don’t care, I work with all teenagers AND I HEAR WHAT THEY DO.
I can email you details of conversations every day….
I am not at this stage yet, but I will be a checker. A serious, potentially-embarrassing-but-they’ll-get-over-it checker!
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..The King =-.
Parent check? ABSOLUTELY!!!
Just two days ago, my 15 y/o wanted to go to a swim party after dinner with her camp and BBYO friends. I knew most of the kdis going, but not the house of the boy. I told DD to not only ask if the parents would be hone, but to tell the boy I was going to the front door to meet them!
And of course, you must ALWAYS get the landline number!
My daughter wound up too tired to go. But she knows the drill and is no longer bugged by it.
For all of you mommies not there yet, plant the seeds NOW! Tell them your rules so there are no surprises in the future, It is just the same message repeated over and over and over unitl it is in their brain!